How to Speak Republican

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http://www.villagevoice.com/2012-08-22/news/how-to-speak-republican/

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Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk radio hosts and pissed-off old guys who live in mobile home parks on the outskirts of Jacksonville. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!

Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms

American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to taxes, unbreaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free-range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales . . .

Apologizing: The treasonous admission that America is not always perfect. Usually committed by people who can't even tastefully match their cowboy boots with their firearms.

Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting health care benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smote.

Barack Hussein Obama: Muslim foreigner illegally elected president to pursue the socialist agenda of Karl Marx, regarded as the least funny brother of the famed comedic troupe